Top 20 Stupid Client Quotes

Okay, I am in design hell right now. I am working on a big glossy annual commission plan for one of Australia's biggest phone and internet providers. The reason I was called in was to fix their old commission plan, which was an unreadable monstrosity made my someone without either design or IT skills. It needed fixing, and I was hired to do it. I spent a week or two working on a template, using the previous year's content as a placeholder so my employers could see how it looked. Then work dried up for a month, and I was left doing little odd jobs here and there while the various committees got their arses in gear to review the content. Last week things suddenly turned very ugly. The committees didn't like my design, and demanded "improvements" (i.e. they wanted me to fuck it up entirely). The cruel irony is that 99% of their complaints were that it was different from last year's, so nearly every change has been putting it back the way it was. You know, the bloody awful one from last year that they hated so much and desperately needed re-designed. One exchange with my boss summarises the past two weeks quite neatly... Boss - "I don't like how spaced out this is. It's hard to read." Me - "Urm, that's white space. I put-" Boss - "Last year's is much easier to read." Me - [Looking at last year's, with it's small text, cramped line spacing, unspaced headings, and general visual claustrophobia.] "You think that's easier to read? White space gives the eye some relief, but the original has a huge amount of information to absorb at one glance..." Boss - "Yes, I prefer the old way. Fix it." [Break it, you mean.] "Now, these numbered headings, I don't like them. Why did you do that?" Me - "It's exactly the same layout as the original. I just tidied it up a bit. See, there it is in your original." Boss - "Well, I think we both know the original was no good, which is why we hired you in the first place. Please do something better." My head nearly exploded on the spot - in almost the same breath, she told me to make my new version more like the original, but don't make it like the original, since it's no good. I need to get out of here right now. More shorter stories from this job will follow...

Last week... Boss: "Apparently one of the car phones has been dead for two weeks. What's going on?" Me: "It has? Nobody told me! I'll go check it out." I went to look at the phone. It has a post-it note stuck to it saying "broken". The phone appeared to be dead, so I plugged it into its charger, gave it thirty seconds or so, then turned it on. It worked fine, so I returned to my desk. Me: "Flat battery. Some idiot failed to plug it in when they returned it." Boss: "Again? Morons!" This week... Passive aggressive cow: "Three weeks! That car phone has been dead for three weeks now!" Me: "Do you mean the one that I-" PAC: "This level of service is unacceptable! Those phones are essential for the safety of team members!" Me: "I checked it last week and it was fl-" We stroll together to the rack of phones while she goes on a lengthy rant about how much I suck at my job and won't listen when I try to tell her I fixed it last week and it's probably just flat again because our dumbfuck staff can't remember to plug the phones into their chargers. Sure enough, it's not plugged into the charger again. I plug it in, wait a moment, then turn it on. PAC: "It won't turn on!" PAC2: [Walking past, hears what's going on.] Is that phone still broken after three weeks? [Launches into a similar tirade about how much I suck.] Me: [Turns phone around so they can see.] "It's on." PAC2: [Brief stunned silence.] "Well, there's something wrong with the power button. It wouldn't turn on for me." Me: "Let's see..." [Turns phone off easily, turns it back on easily.] "It seems fine. Like I was trying to say early, I think it's just a flat battery." PAC2: "No! It won't work off the charger! The battery is broken." Both PACs then wandered off, muttering evilly to themselves. An hour or two later, I unplugged the phone and the battery held the charge just fine. I even checked with the staff member who used it that night, and it worked perfectly. I love being blamed and abused to my face for the incompetence of other staff. *sigh*

Major transformer explosion at a large data center takes my servers offline. Phone rings not too long after. Client: I can't check my email! Me: I am terribly sorry but there has been explosion and small fire at the data center where the server your site is on is located. Thankfully, no one was hurt and your data is fine, but it could be a couple days before you are back online. Client: So I can't check my email? Me: As I said, there was an explosion. The entire datacenter is down and thousands of websites are offline. I assure you they are working to get everyone back up as soon as possible. Client:....... The Webmail is not working either! Me: Yes, as I mentioned, there was an explosion which took everything offline. You email is not working, your website is not working. Nothing is working. I assure you that it will be working again as soon as is possible Client: But how will I know if anyone has placed any orders! Me: I assure you no one is placing any orders. Client: But how do you know if the email is not working? Me: Because the server is offline. There is no power. There was an explosion. Nothing is working. This includes the website, email, and any other services as well as all of my other clients who are on any servers at this datacenter. Client: What if I use outlook express? Me: I am sorry but there is just no way around it short of me moving you to another datacenter which may not be worth it because by the time I set you up on a new server and the DNS propagates, the old server will likely be back up. If you want me to do this the cost will be $xxxx Client: But you guarantee 99.9% uptime! Me: I sure do! You have had uninterrupted service for 2 years. It has been one hour. Do you have a calculator nearby?

Oh dear, staff are coming back from their Christmas leave, and for some this means re-learning everything, due to them having the memory of a marmot. Marmot: Can you help? I've come back from leave and all of my emails are red! Me: Uh... in Lotus Notes, all of your unread emails are red. You have been away so you have a lot of unread emails. Marmot: But how do I make them go black? Me: Read them. It's too early in the morning for this shit.

Although I'm not IT. I answer most of the simple questions around here for basic computer usage. I don't mind at all. Someone stopped by and asked why a software program I'm not familiar with wasn't doing what it was supposed to do. I told them I didn't know that specific program, but I'd be willing to go look at it (thinking it may be a simple solution). When we arrived at the person's office they had a website open to the online help for the program. The person who brought me to their office proceeded to click various options on the screenshot of the software and started yelling at the computer. The person didn't actually own the software, they thought they could run it from a screenshot from the companies website.

CLIENT: I'm looking at your contract, and I'm trying to change something, but it keeps asking me for a password. ME: Yes, all of our contracts are password protected, but I can make that change for you on my computer and email it to you right away. CLIENT: (offended) I don't know why you feel like you need to put a password on the contract. It's not like we're going to try to make any changes to your contract.

Client: Can I fax you the cash? Me: A fax machine is not a teleportation device....

BACKSTORY: We sell higher-end furniture and indoor/outdoor decor. A client was looking at an indoor contemporary 2' water fountain. You plug it in and add 2 gallons of water...done. ------- CLIENT: This is nice. ME: It is a beautiful piece of art. CLIENT: Ok, i love it, but i have one question. ME: Ok. CLIENT: What happens if I need more water? ME: (puzzled) ...You add more water. CLIENT: Well, from where? ME: A hose or a faucet. CLIENT: But how do i do that? ME: Just pour the water on top of the fountain. CLIENT: But where do i get it from? ME: Get what? CLIENT: (frustrated) ...The water?! ------- The client, looking confused and mumbling something about me not understanding her qustion, walked out of the store... ...this really happened...

(all company names and employee names changed to protect the innocent... or well in the customers case... the guilty) This one will take some explaining but is well worth the read if you ask me. I was working as a phone technician for Blorchizon, so for those of you in the know... we get the weirdest of the weird. I had moved up through the ranks and had become a tier 3 agent, handling only the most difficult of issues. One fine day everything was going normal, customers with weird throughput issues, customers in areas with recent flooding and more, when this lovely issue occurred. A tier 2 agent had been working on this call for about 20 minutes and could not isolate the issue. The call had been moved up to them after 10 minutes on the front lines. Needless to say, they contacted me and described that the customer wasn't getting any internet access and nothing they did was changing the issue. So I told the agent to transfer the call to me and this is what transpired: Me: Thank you for holding, my name is Jed with Blorchizon advanced support. How can I help you? customer: Hi Jed, my name is Joe and that last guy was really nice, but we can't fix my issue! Me: I'm aware of that Joe and I'm really sorry. It seems like something out of the ordinary is going on here and it is my job to find it and get you back up and running. Joe: Excellent... see I have a top of the line computer and it is new, so I know it isn't the computer. It has to be your service. Me: We'll see Joe. At this point, I proceeded through basic troubleshooting to see how well he would listen. This guy gave me all the correct answers to anything I asked. For example, I'd direct him to the Control Panel and then into the TCP/IP stack and he'd tell me everything was there exactly as it was supposed to be. So we continued: Me: Joe, I have to admit this is really strange, everything seems to be exactly how it is supposed to be and you should be getting internet access. Joe: Yep! That is what I've been saying. You know this all started... Joe was disconnected right there. At first I thought to myself... Sweet! It works now, no more issue. However it was our policy to try and contact customers back if they were disconnected to make sure everything was ok. So I grab the number from my caller ID and call back. This is what I got: *ring* Lady: Thank you for calling Happy Meadows Mental Hospital, how can I help you. Me: Um..... maybe I dialed the wrong number, but do you have a Joe there? Lady: Well... nobody on staff here is named Joe. We do have a patient named Joe. Are you a relative? Me: Uh... no ma'am I'm with Blorchizon Internet. Joe and I were on the phone, apparently he is having trouble with his internet. Lady: That isn't possible sir! He doesn't have a computer, and we don't have internet access in our rooms. Me: O....K..... Lady: *urgent voice* I better go check on him! I sat on hold for a few minutes, because now I was intrigued. Eventually the lady came back. Lady: I'm very very sorry sir. Joe had gotten a hold of a newspaper and had found advertisements for Smell Computers and for Blorchizon DSL. He has some boxes set up on his desk and thinks it is his computer. Me: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA *yes I really laughed on the phone* After a few minutes of explaining the issue to this woman, stating that Joe had given me all of the answers I needed for everything, she told me that Joe was very smart and had probably learned all the answers to give when asked those questions by calling previously. I checked the note system we had, and sure enough Joe had been calling in since 3:00am that day and had talked to about 30 technicians. I can still imagine it to this day, a guy sitting in a hospital gown in front of a bunch of cardboard boxes on the phone trying to get his internet working... absolutely fantastic. Thought I'd share.

When I was working for a small computer game company as a dialogue writer and scripter (and everything else not involved with coding or art) this "double genius" of a gem appeared on our forums: User: "I need dialog files for [gamename]" Me: (thinking the user edited/broke them) "Just backup your savegames, which are in [dir], reinstall the game and copy your savegames back to [dir]." User: "Well I downloaded game, but it was translated into Russian." Me: "We haven't localized for Russian yet..." User: "Yes, I downloaded game." Me: "Wait, so you're seriously writing on the official company forums to ask for assistance with our game - which you pirated?" User: "Well in Russia there is not many games available" Me: "..." The other genius (tangentially) involved in this story was the pirate who "translated" the dialogue (scripting) files by the simple expedient of running them through an English-to-Russian translator. You see, script commands and variables are also in English...

About 20 years ago I worked for a company that coated steel in a coating to rust proof it (Galvanising). I met up with the client who turned out to be an artist, specifically he made clock sculptures, it was huge and wieghed maybe 10 tons. Client: So when can we ship this over to you to get the process done? Me: As soon as your ready, would you like us to make the holes or would you? Client: HOLES!?! NO-ONE is to make holes in MY artpiece! Me: Sir the sculpture needs to go into a giant vat of acid as part of the galvanising process, in it's current state it will just float on the surface. Client: Dont be silly, it weighs about 10 tons, of course it will sink! Me: No im sorry, due the shape it will act just like a boat, I think a few minor holes just here (pointing) and here... *slap* *client slaps my hand away* Client: Do you think i'm un-edcuated because im an artist!? I took physics at university! It will sink, NO HOLES do you understand? Me: *sigh* The Titanic did not sink until it had a hole, and I bet its a lot heavier than 10 tons. Client: *look of utter shock* I'll get the drill....

(This was a Govt. project for a COMPLETELY CLOSED internal system. The job was fine except the person "in charge" was upwards of 50 and not computer savvy, so he kept turning to this 20something wet-eared brat for ideas that were always worthless....) Client: Can your people add a login function so that our men can access the system from off-site? Me: o_O That would rather severely compromise the security of the system.... Client's young lackey: Well yes but can't you just add a password screen? Like a bank? Me: The. System. Has. No. Internet. Client's lackey: Oh. Right. Well could we make it so they could dial in from the Internet (no really that's what he said!) and then login to it from that? Me: (frustrated) Actually yes, I could do something like that, but I'm fairly sure it would go down as a breach of contract, an act of treason, and a danger to national security, requiring that the three of us be hanged. Client: .... (he seemed to understand but before he could say anyting...) Client's lackey: Oh well then maybe just a screen where they can get it from the web if they have the same passwords they use here. Me: *falls over dead*

I was commissioned to write a script that would handle a clients customer database for printing postcards. That was their original request "Print postcards from customer database". It took about 4 days to normalize their amateurish mess of a database. After getting it to print the text of the postcard, the address and the postal bar code I deliver it. "What is this?" the boss says. "What you asked for." says me. "Where are the labels?" "You don't need labels. It prints to the postcard. Isn't that what you asked for?" "Yes, but that's not what we meant." *seeth* *anger* *spit* *hate* They were too afraid of the system I made for them because it wasn't the way they always did it. They had me re-do the entire postcard system so that it would print onto avery labels so they could spend a week peeling and sticking labels on their 10000 customer christmas cards.

I owned a software company and was the chief scientist. If a support person had a call they couldn't handle, they escalated until it got to me. The client complaint: "When we print our end-of-month reports, the printing is really faint - and all the letters and numbers are reversed." The support team went through the "old ribbon" thing (this was back in the days of fan-fold paper and matrix printers). Ribbon was fine and, anyway, that wouldn't account for the "everything reversed" problem. Three levels of support had come up empty so it got to me. I called the client and said, "Lisa, tell me again the problem." She did, virtually word-for-word. I said, "You haven't burst the reports apart yet, have you?" She said she hadn't. I said, "Turn the stack of paper around." She said, "OH, that's much better". In case you fan-fold paper was before your time, she was reading the report through the back of the very flimsy paper. All the printing was faint -- and all the letters and numbers were backward. No one could make this stuff up.

A discussion between a programmer and HR clerk: User: I found a bug in a program you wrote for us. I need you to fix it ASAP. Pgmr: OK, can you show me the bug so I can figure out what is going wrong? User: No, the information on this system is confidential. Pgmr: Can you describe the conditions that seem to cause the error? User: No, that would give too much information about the data. Pgmr: I have a test system setup, can you recreate the conditions with dummy data to reproduce the error? User: No, that would give too much information about the data. It's a very critical and confidential system. Pgmr: I can't fix the problem unless it can be recreated. User: I need the problem fixed ASAP. Pgmr: What module is the error happening in? User: The vacation scheduling system. Pgmr: What's so confidential about that system? The vacation schedule is published on the intranet every week. User: It's HR data, so it's confidential. Pgmr: *******

S.C. : "HelpDesk, S.C. speaking." D : "Well, this is D, over in service?" S.C. : "Yes sir, what can I do for you today?" D : "Well, I can't access my email." S.C. : "Okay, can you get to anything else?" D : "Well, I can get to the Internet..." S.C. : "And how long has this been going on?" D : "Well, it just started, but let me tell you, I've been getting these weird emails saying my 'ID file' was going to expire." S.C. : "And did you follow the instructions in those emails?" D: "Well, no, I didn't really read them." S.C. : "Okay, the way it works is, for security purposes, your email ID expires once a year. When it does, you simply follow the steps that were in the email that was sent to you, and it will re-certify you for another year." D: "Well, I can’t get to the email now." S.C. : "That does seem to be a problem, doesn't it? Because even though you have six copies of that email, because it's sent out six times before your ID expires, you can't get to them, because your ID expired." D : "Well, that sounds like a stupid system to me." S.C. : "Yeah, you'd think so, wouldn't you? I mean, we can't really count on the users to follow the instructions sent to them, can we?" *pause* D : "Well, what do I do about it?" S.C. : "I've got a phone number for you to call in about 45 minutes, when the mail administrator gets back from lunch..."

Not exactly a stupid client quote...but it gives you an idea of the caliber of people I used to work with. Basically, the benefits center had this stupid 'competition' where if you came up with an cost-saving idea, you'd get a free mug and pen (I loved that, you could save the agency a million quid a year and get a free mug). Anyway, in one of the many, many pointless meetings we had on a daily basis, my supervisor asked for ideas. I said: "We're paying a ton for the pre-printed reply envelopes. Why not order blank ones and get some rubber stamps made? We already use rubber stamps for reply envelopes to other branches, so it's be easy and we already have the ink pads." My manager looks at me and says: "No, because those rubber stamps cost five pounds each...one for each staff member would cost thousands!" "Ummm..." I said. "But we wouldn't need one per staff member, a couple per section would do...but they only need to be replaced every couple years. We'd spend a few grand now, but that's a one time expenditure against against the thousands we spend every month on pre-printed envelopes" He looked at me like I'd grown an extra head, and as if he was speaking to a mentally challenged three year old said: "Nooooo. The stamps cost more than the envelopes." "I know." I replied. "But we only have to buy the stamps ONCE, instead of every single month like the envelopes." "But the stamps cost more than the envelopes." "Yes." I said. "But we only spend that ONCE!" "But the stamps cost more! How are you not getting this?" "Look." I said. "The stamps would cost about three or four thousand tops. We're paying at least two thousand a month for the envelopes. By getting the stamps, we're cutting the envelope costs in half. It's more cost effective, even though it's more money up front." "But the STAMPS cost MORE than the ENVELOPES" He said, exasperated. "Does anyone else have any INTELLIGENT ideas? The sad part is that he thought the rest of the group's look of disbelief was directed at me instead of him.

I was going through a new computer setup with a user. I right clicked on the desktop to do something and she saw the word "Properties" appear in the context menu. She said "Oh can you click on properties, I want to see if a house is still for sale"..

I was once the very junior developer on a piece of software. A customer required the latest update, but because they ran under a rather rare proprietary version of Unix, I would have to take the source files with me on a tape, and compile the program on site. Before I set out, it occurred to me from previous correspondence with them that the software licence on their compiler might well have expired. I rang them up to ask whether they had renewed the license. "Oh yes, it's still current", they replied. This sounded just a little bit glib to me, but my bosses were happy, so off I went. On arrival at the customer site I loaded all my sources, and typed in the "make" command. An error message scrolled up the glass teletype display. The compiler's software license had indeed expired, two weeks previously. I pointed this out to the client. While three or four people discussed the mechanics of updating the license and wondered out loud where they had kept the original installation tapes for the compiler, someone had a bright idea. He went to the server the compiler was installed on, and reset its system date to fifteen days previously. There was a sound of several people sucking their teeth. I tried again to build my software and found, as I had expected, that the compiler didn't merely refuse to work after its license expired; it had uninstalled itself rather messily, leaving libraries and configuration files all over the place, and would require complete reinstallation once a new software license had been supplied (on a tape via surface mail). What was immediately far worse was that the server which had just been so blithely tinkered with was also running serveral live programs. The phones started ringing continuously as users complained that they were receiving "Invalid system date" error messages as they tried to enter transactions. A few transactions did get through, with the result that several databases were now completely out of synchronization, and had to be restored from the previous night's backup, costing the customer several hours' work. In the client's server room, the issue had resolved itself into "mutual error index" i.e. everybody was pointing the finger of blame at everybody else. I finally completed the upgrade a month later, shortly before the clients junked their one-off flavour of Unix and went onto Linux, which would have allowed us to supply them an update on-line, within ten minutes. Ah, well ...

My business is making house calls to do computer repair. The customers original issue was no audio from her new computer. After speaking with a Dell service rep for over an hour the customer called me. I drove to her house, sat down in front of her computer and looked at the setup for about 10 seconds. "Ma'm", I said, "Where are your speakers?" The Dell service rep had never even asked her.