Top 20 Stupid Client Quotes

Recently got asked to redo the entire network infrastructure for a company's head office. Apparently they had had very poor luck in maintaining a stable system in the past. The had a sales platform that their satellite stores would connect to via VPN to process orders, order stock etc etc. It was a necessity that the servers be run from the office. Our instructions were to redo ***everything*** from network cabling to power, and ensure bulletproof reliability. After 3 months the project was finished. All cabling was run though rodent proof conduit, power came from alternate grids, On-line UPS's, fail-over routers, switches, and servers (internal raid 1), with multiple dedicated internet connections, all with multiple power supplies, all with N+1 redundancy. I could go on - but suffice to say this was the most secure, fault tolerant system we could possibly design. Went live.... and about 5:45 that night the system went down for about 3 minutes. Next night - 9:10 - System goes down again. Sunday afternoon - I'm in the office trying to work out WTF is going on, the weekend staff are just finishing up and all of a sudden I hear the chirping of multiple UPS's. This is odd - as the UPS systems are spread across multiple grids - unlikely for us to lose 2 grids, and the light are still on... I walk into the server room... to find an office casual standing there with a handful of IEC leads in her hands. It turns out that she thought the computers should be turned off at night to save power. She had managed to get an access key to the room... the power buttons didn't work, it would ask for a password if she tried to shut down, so every night she did the obvious thing - she pulled the power leads. Which she would then replace, walk out of the room, and 60 seconds later all systems would begin to restart, and re-acquire I.P. addresses. And she got upset at me for speaking rudely to her...

Fresh from a "Quality Initiatives" program at Large Mutual Insurance Company, I saw that my next bit of minor maintenance was to tweak the instructional text on a data-entry screen. Cool, thinks I, while I'm in there, I'll change the LONG PARAGRAPH OF ALL CAPS TEXT to mixed case. It takes no more time to deliver a High Quality Product, just like they said. At the clientside review ( I swear this is the literal truth): Clientside manager: "Why did you take away all the capital letters?" Me: "Studies show it's easier and faster to read mixed case. This has no impact on system performance, and the dataentry clerks can be just that little bit more productive." Clientside manager: "Our people aren't really that smart." (Silently I agreed with her, but not in a way she would have liked.)

I work in an auto dealership with a display for Sirius satellite radio. It's a working radio that customers can test out. Most days this radio is on and set to an easy listening-type station to provide background music for the showroom. Nothing wrong with that. Keep in mind this isn't some complex system, this is the same radio you would have in your car if you get it installed. One day a customer came in and changed the channel to a polka station an walked away. Everyone started freaking out because they couldn't figure out why the music changed. Genuine panic set in as the sales managers ran around trying to figure out where the music was coming from and why it was changed. I made a point to keep walking through the showroom that day to see if they had figured out the problem. Then I was amazed to walk by and see a Sirius tech who got called down "fix the problem". I apologized to him saying if I knew he'd be called down to fix the problem I would have just done it myself instead of being amused. The tech had no problem with being payed to turn the knob on the radio. Later that day we all had a meeting on how to fix the problem should it ever happen again. An entire car dealership that doesn't know how to change stations on a radio.

Now, I used to work for the military - 24 hour network tech support helpline. Often a user (who is in the Army, Air Force, etc.), will forget their password - no biggie, happens all the time - just go through the standard password reset. We spell out the password in callsigns, like Alpha, Bravo, Charlie so there's no misspelling of our randomly generated passwords. me: "Okay, your password is now reset, have you got a pen?" her:"Yup, go ahead." me: "Okay, your password is: Bravo, Charlie, Lima ... ooh, I'm terrible at these things 'O', 'O' ... What's 'O'? ... Ah yes - Oscar!" her:"Oh me too, Oscar, Oscar ... is that 'Q'?" me: *headdesk*

Used to work @ Kinko's. WOW, some doozies came in there. This one mom daughter pair (a la Jerry Springer) came in, the daughter was obviously pregnant. They brought in a picture of her baby's ultrasound and a picture of an actual baby from a magazine. She: can you make this (ultrasound) look like this (professional baby shot) me: what? you mean make a copy, sure, i can do that... She: no, I mean, someone said we could get dat here. I want it to look like this (professional baby shot) me: all our copiers can do is scan & print what you see here. She: but I wanna know what my baby will look like. me: [!@#$%@@^????] Um, no we can't do that.

Me: Hello this is ____ How may I help you? C: I'm in one of my exams on the website, and I'm hitting Ctrl+f to search for the answers in the book. Me: ok well you have to hit Ctrl+f while in the book to search within the book instead. C: I do have the book open, it still isn't searching in the book when I hit ctrl+f. Me: Can you click on the book and try again please? C: No, I printed out the pages and they are sitting here in front of me, not on the screen any more. *sigh* yes, computers can search through the papers you have on your desk *facepalm*

Dumbass: How much is this? me: $0.99. DA:Hey you wanna give me a deal if I buy two? me: They're $0.99 a piece. (This was the price for a 2-nd hand book mind you, not I bad price for an Atlas and a Bible) DA: Oh, come on now, boy! me: Alright, I'll give you a deal, don't tell anyone, though. How about both of them for $1.99? DA: Now, that's more like it thanks, son! The DA proceeded to waltz over to the checkout with the grin of self satisfaction that a man feels when he thinks he is paying less than every other obviously stupid customer that buys books at the full Goodwill (like Salvation Army, Good Sammy and the like) price.

So, I worked as a developer for a family records/history site. Of course, a lot of elderly people were very interested in using it. In fact some had bought a computer just for this site alone. We found a lot of elderly people were phoning with problems logging into the site. The call operators were talking them through it and everything seemed to be fine. You know, CO:"Are you typing the password exactly as you see it", Client:"Yes, exactly as I see it on the screen" etc.. The password was emailed out to them (we even had it in the police wording (bravo charlie etc) and they could copy and paste the password and so on. We tested and re-tested the sytem ourselves and logged in no problem. Re-ran all the unit tests. Nothing wrong. Then we had the idea that, on the login page, we would log all un-successful logins (passwords only) into a temporary table in the database, just to see what was happening. About 10-20% of the unsuccessful attempts were typing the password: "case sensitive". The wording on the login page, which we thought was extremely helpful, was "Remember, your password is case sensitive"!?!?!?

Okay, I am in design hell right now. I am working on a big glossy annual commission plan for one of Australia's biggest phone and internet providers. The reason I was called in was to fix their old commission plan, which was an unreadable monstrosity made my someone without either design or IT skills. It needed fixing, and I was hired to do it. I spent a week or two working on a template, using the previous year's content as a placeholder so my employers could see how it looked. Then work dried up for a month, and I was left doing little odd jobs here and there while the various committees got their arses in gear to review the content. Last week things suddenly turned very ugly. The committees didn't like my design, and demanded "improvements" (i.e. they wanted me to fuck it up entirely). The cruel irony is that 99% of their complaints were that it was different from last year's, so nearly every change has been putting it back the way it was. You know, the bloody awful one from last year that they hated so much and desperately needed re-designed. One exchange with my boss summarises the past two weeks quite neatly... Boss - "I don't like how spaced out this is. It's hard to read." Me - "Urm, that's white space. I put-" Boss - "Last year's is much easier to read." Me - [Looking at last year's, with it's small text, cramped line spacing, unspaced headings, and general visual claustrophobia.] "You think that's easier to read? White space gives the eye some relief, but the original has a huge amount of information to absorb at one glance..." Boss - "Yes, I prefer the old way. Fix it." [Break it, you mean.] "Now, these numbered headings, I don't like them. Why did you do that?" Me - "It's exactly the same layout as the original. I just tidied it up a bit. See, there it is in your original." Boss - "Well, I think we both know the original was no good, which is why we hired you in the first place. Please do something better." My head nearly exploded on the spot - in almost the same breath, she told me to make my new version more like the original, but don't make it like the original, since it's no good. I need to get out of here right now. More shorter stories from this job will follow...

"You can install those new computers on Wednesday" "But they haven't got the network cabling in place yet" "They don't?" "No, remember we just spent the last hour discussing cat6 cabling?" "Ah, well, they can install the cables later, just get the network up and running"

During my college years I would build and sell computers to earn a bit of extra cash. I got a call from a friend who said his mother wanted a computer and asked if I could make one for her. I used to live less than 30 miles away from the biggest computer fair in Europe, and not to put too fine a point on it, I REALLY hooked her up. Everything was top of the line and because it was for a friend's parent I did it purely at cost. Long story short, she ended up with a machine that would cost at least 1600 at retail, and I sold it to her for less than five hundred...cost of parts only. No charge for labor or even gas money to bring it to her house. I take it to her house, set it up and leave her to it, convinced I had done my good deed for the day. A couple days later I get a phonecall and the bitch is just SCREAMING at me. The computer's a piece of shit, it doesn't work, it's broken, I ripped her off etc. What ever happened to asking nicely? Anyway, I go to her house and find she's saying the computer is 'broken' because she can't get it to print. I tell her I never even sold her a printer. She says: "I know that! I bought one today and that piece of shit you sold me won't even recognize it!!!" I ask her if she's considered the problem is with the printer and she says: "Don't get smart with me! I bought the printer from PC World!! They're PROFESSIONALS." I sigh inwardly. The shaved monkeys at PC world are 'professionals'...I'm just an idiot with a screwdriver. "Did you install the drivers and everything?" I asked. "The what?" She says. uh-oh. I go to her dining room where the computer is set up, assess the situation and point out the following problems to her. 1) She hadn't installed the drivers. 2) She hadn't connected the printer to the computer. 3) She hadn't put the ink cartridges in the printer. 4) There was no paper in the printer. 5) The power cable for the printer was still in the box. Basically, she'd taken the printer out of the box, put it on the desk next to the computer and tried to print. When this shockingly didn't work, she decided to scream at me. Amazingly, after I point this out to her, she turns to me and says: "So...can you set it up for me then?" I just laughed and said "Why? So you can scream at me again when it runs out of ink?" She whined something about needing to print something for work the next day. On my way out of the door I said: "Call the professionals at PC World, they might do it for you...should only cost you about two hundred and hour." Moral of the story : When someone does you a massive favor...ask nicely if something goes wrong.

I work in a very large and very decentralized web publishing environment. Without a CMS in place, we have grudgingly rolled out access to various departments with Macromedia/Adobe Contribute, so we can at least make sure that customers don't "accidentally" go off and delete important things, like navigation bars or entire pages. Then I get a call from a customer that plagues me to this very day. Client: I can't get the "Edit" button to appear in Contribute! Everything has just disappeared! Me: The interfaces are really similar, so are you sure you're in Contribute and not IE? You can't edit web pages in IE. Client: I-what?! Me: Internet Explorer. Client: (sounding insulted) No, it's Contribute. Me: Okay, is there a navigation bar along the left side that read, "Pages" and "How Do I ...?" Client: Nope. Me: Is there a little purple ball in the upper left-hand corner that has a little "c" in the middle? Client: Nope. Me: Okay, what do you see there? Client: Nothing. It's a blue bar ... and says "Services ... Microsoft Internet Explorer."

The CEO called down to my phone one day claiming he'd come up with a fantastic new system to help the programming department get twice as much work done. From now on, he wanted us to work on two projects at once...

While living in Canada for a year I worked for a small computer company fixing and selling Computers. I answered a call from a customer one morning who was complaining that he had just brought a brand new machine from us, taken it home and now it would not turn on! After running him through the normal things (making sure it was plugged in, trying another socket etc) I asked him to bring the machine back to the shop for me to look at. Once the machine was back in the shop I put it right up on the bench and the machine booted straight away. Puzzled, I showed the customer the running machine and ran through all the steps of hooking the machine up correctly. Happy with the demonstration he then took the machine home again. Later that afternoon we got another angry call from the same man, screaming that he wanted his money back because the computer wouldn't turn on and he was sick of it. At this point we figured it had to be something at his house, so we sent a tech around to his house. The tech showed up, walked to the computer and turned it on first time. The man's response? "I didn't know you had to push that button, on my wifes computer you just move the mouse and the screen comes on!" You can't make this stuff up hey

Client: Hey I've been calling all day trying to get in contact with you? Me: You have? Client: Yes and some lady kept answering telling me that my call couldn't be connected. Me: I think that sounds like a problem on your end. Client: It can't be because the telephone has been disconnected while we switch over to another company.

The scene: 12 Senior Executives around a conference table, several of them techies. Me, 24 year old n00b hired to handle hardware. Situation: The server room gets too hot, cooling system inadequate. I pass them 3 quotes I received from air conditioning companies to install a new chiller and to cut the vents to the roof and/or outside walls. Lowest quote is around $10,000. Senior Vice President of Operations: Can't we just get a portable air conditioner and put it in the room? ME: Yes we can, but those units tend to be less efficient and then we still need vents to push the hot air out of the room. Another Exec: Why do you have to do that? ME: Air conditioners work by leeching heat out the air going through them and putting the heat outside the room. You can't actually cool air where it is, you have to put the heat somewhere. Since the server room is near the center of the building, the heat we sent out of the room would make the offices hotter. All Executives now trying to speak at once to tell me I am full of it. After 1 HOUR of trying to convince them, I lose it. I don't care if I lose my job anymore. ME: Look, there is physical law called conservation of energy. Energy is not destroyed only moved and transformed! Heat is energy! This is one of the fundamental principals of the universe! If you run a refrigerator, it takes energy out of the air inside and pushes it out the back! When it is running, the motor actually heats up to cause this to happen, so if you open a fridge to cool your house, the house will actually get HOTTER!!! COLD IS THE ABSENCE OF HEAT! HEAT IS NOT THE ABSENCE OF COLD! It took a few days for the group to slowly realize I was actually telling the truth and then approve the expenditure. Of course, noone ever acknowledged that I was correct.

Me (on phone to client): I've made all the changes you asked for, except for where you asked me to change 'goodbye' from one word into two, as 'goodbye' is actually just one word. Client: I don't believe it, this is ridiculous! I've been spelling it as two words my whole life, and I know I'm right. Just how many degrees in English do you have anyway?! Me: Three. Client: Oh...

This is a mea culpa post, about a time I was very dumb with tech. Thankfully I didn't call tech support and humiliate myself, but I wasted far too much time on it... okay, here goes... My boss got a gorgeous new HP lappy, the shiny black ones that look like they're polished like a grand piano. He asked me to get it set up for him - put in the battery, do the first charge, set up the Bluetooth peripherals - all very easy stuff. My first problem, though, was getting it open. It was sitting on the desk in front of me, HP logo right way up, with the two unlocking buttons facing me. I pushed them. No luck. I tried to slide them, no luck. I tried twisting them. No luck. I turned to the manual, looking for instructions on how to open the damned thing, but they obviously thought it was so basic it didn't need explaining. After maybe ten or fifteen minutes fiddling with it and reading the manual, something clicked in my head. I felt a mixture of relief, triumph, and utter humiliation as I rotated the laptop 180 degrees and easily opened it. The "locking buttons" I had been playing with were the hinges. The problem was that the HP logo was positioned to be the right way up when the lappy was opened, and therefore had to be upside down to open it. I made the mistake of mentioning this to my boss, and it was a source of comedy for days afterward. Ah well.

I've trained many users and thought I had heard every dumb question in the known universe. Well, apparently there are still a few out there waiting for me to trip over. I set up a new user on our network and walked them through the normal 'how to login' while watching them make notes. Everything seems to go pretty well because it is their first day at our company and they have previous computer experience with their former employer. Day #2 doesn't start out so good as they have trouble logging in and somehow their notes (which I watched them write down) don't cover that. No problem, I end up resetting their password and we do the whole do-it-and-take-notes thing again. Day #3 has the same person with the same login problems. I send another tech to help them and he gets them through it, but they told him they had 'never had to login before and don't understand why they have to now'. By this time I'm getting pretty steamed with that new user. Day #4 brings about, you guessed it, the same person having the same daily login problems. I reset their account and walk down to their office where I am verbally assaulted because something is wrong every day and they can't do their work. At least I'm glad to know it's all MY fault! I asked them to type in their password, reminding them that it is p-a-s-s-w-o-r-d in all lowercase. The lovely user, types in FOUR characters, clicks OK and says, 'See, it doesn't work, just like I've been telling you people'. I lean over and type 'password' while spelling it to them. As if by magic, the system logs them in. I'm not sure I'll survive day #5 if that user comes back to work...

I am a maintenance programmer at an ISP and I maintain some very large online sales sites. At one of my clients, the website administrator is so thick I'm afraid to talk to her too long on the telephone, convinced that in the absence of earphone-prompting to breathe she might die. My most classic conversation with her happened just after she was upgraded to Internet Explorer 7 and shortly after I took over the site... Her: I need you to fix xyz for me. Me (working on another website and quickly changing to hers): Sorry, what? Hang on. What page are you on? Her: The one that does the thing for the products. Me: Umm, what thing? Are you in the manager? Her: It does that thing where you can look at it. Me: What URL are you on? Her: I don't know. Me: Well, look in your address bar. Her (bear in mind she is the WEBSITE ADMINISTRATOR for a very large retail company): I don't know where it is. Me: Look in the top left hand corner of your browser. Her: It says [companyname] there. Me: No, no. Not the website. The program that you're in to look at the website. It's above the "file" menu. Her: I don't know where that is. Me (inward sigh): Ok, ok - can you see this picture? Her: Hang on, let me go ask my boss. *Click* beep... beep.. beep... Two hours later she sent me a screenshot of the page - how she knew how to do that, I don't know and personally, I don't question miracles. I circled the address bar in red and labelled it "Address Bar - this is where to find your URL" also in red.