Top 20 Stupid Client Quotes

I'm based on the USA's west coast. My location is noted on my website. A gentleman told me he is interested in my webdesign services and would like to discuss it on the phone. Me: Let's schedule a mutually convenient time to talk. Client: I'm American, but living overseas. There's a 13-hour time difference between us, which means there's about a 3-hour window of time that would probably work for both of us. How about 11am your time? Me: OK. Where are you based? Client: I don't want to divulge that information. Me: OK, are you sure you have time time difference figured correctly? Should we double check that? Client: No. I have it right. Me: Well, OK, I'll talk to you at 11am my time on Monday then. Monday morning goes by...nothing. Client (irate, in afternoon, by email): I called you but you didn't pick up! Where the hell were you? I want to pay you good money to design a site for me, but you didn't care enough to keep our appointment!!! What the hell!!! Me: I was in the office beginning at 9am; but the phone never rang. Do you have the correct phone number for me? Client: Yes! You blew me off! Me (confused & checking caller ID): Ah! My caller ID shows you called me at 8am, well before I got into the office. Our appointment was for 11. Client: I called at 11 your time. Me: No, I am in the Pacific Time Zone, and you called at 8am my time. Client: Well, all my friends live on the East Coast. It was at 11 their time! Me: OK, would you like to call me now, or schedule another time to discuss your new website? Client: No. Please cancel plans for the site. You are too hard to reach!!

Part of my job with a large manufacturing company involves working with telephone issues. If it is a minor issue I get to fix it, otherwise I create a trouble ticket for the telephone company and they send a technician out to take care of the problem. A fellow called one day to tell me they were having trouble with "two or three telephones" in a small part of a large plant. Kinda odd to have several at the same time, but since there are probably 200 telephones in that plant it doesn't sound too bad. When I grab my tools and make a trip to the plant, I am greeted by an angry plant manager who tells me NONE of the telephones work. I start explaining that I was told it was a minor issue, but he is having none of that. "Fix it now!" is his command! As I walk towards the area where all the phone wiring is located, I notice some watery sludge along the edge of the wall. The farther I walk, the larger the water/sludge mixture becomes. Finally as I reach the place where the large wiring panel is mounted on a wall (no enclosed wiring closet because the plant manager insisted on having it that way) I see water dripping off the exposed telephone wiring panel. I also see an employee storing the long hose connected to a pressure washer that is sitting not too far away from the telephone wiring panel. Asking a few questions of the employee, I discover that the plant manager wanted the place to look clean, so he ordered the employee to take a pressure washer and hose down the entire length of the wall, INCLUDING the telephone wiring panel. Walking back to the plant manager to explain the gravity of the situation, I watch him go from red hot anger to pale embarrassment. At least the guys from the telephone company got plenty of overtime during the next week as they replaced all the exposed components (and even bought me a nice lunch). ;^)

This was said by my fiance's boss, the owner of the store. Anyway, the store where my fiance worked was having problems with theft. People were stealing a fair amount of merchandise so the owner installed like, 8 cameras in the store - it's similar in size to the inside of a convience store, maybe a bit larger so it's a bit overkill. Last week he told my fiance, "I feel like I wasted my money on these cameras because after I installed them, all the theft stopped." Um... isn't that the ENTIRE point of cameras? To deter theft?! I guess he just wanted to watch people steal from him instead. Obviously it doesn't take a genius to run a business.

"If we can track who opens our email newsletters, why don't we just call or email the ones who don't and say 'We notice that you don't open our emails...is there a problem?'"

(I get a call at 7:59am with a client who is frantic because their server is totally dead and they have an office full of patients and can't access charts or xrays) Client: So I came in this morning and the server was working fine, I sat down to read the newspaper, I heard this awful grinding noise and then all of a sudden the server stopped working. Me: So you actually checked the server this morning before you called? Did you see any error messages? Client: No I just set down my newspaper and coffee and started to read before the staff showed up and now the server isn't working. Me: (puzzled look) Is your server in the breakroom where you were reading the newspaper? Client: Well, yes. Me: And you put down your newspaper and coffee...on top of the server? Client:... Me: Because if that's the case its possible... Client: Look, I only spilled a little through the vent! Maybe an ounce, tops. Is this covered by my warranty?

Honest to God, this really happened: I get a call from the VP of Communications and head over to her office. She complains that her notebook has been giving her trouble. It doesn't seem to start properly when she has it on her port replicator. Here is how the conversation goes: [me] "Ok, go ahead and shut it down so we can undock it" [her] "Ok, please scoot back so I can take it off" **at this point I am wondering why I should have to move for this as she should just be able to eject it from the replicator (it is a Dell d-series port replicator if that helps you envision what is about to happen). I move and she stands up, pulls the whole assembly to the edge of the desk so the notebook is hanging off. She puts one hand on the replicator and the other on the front edge of the notebook and presses down until the machine SNAPS off of the docking mechanism. I actually saw little gold flakes shoot out from between the dock and the notebook! [me - freaking out] "What the hell was that? Don't you know there is an eject button???" [her] "There is an eject button??" **She had been using that unit for over a year, which would explain why the docking process no longer worked properly...

Sent to an online magazine (this is exactly as received): I would love to write for u.I have a very good communication skills.But uptill now has not being able to show my abilities .If you could give me a chance i can prove an asset

A client calls into our Help Desk line: Client: I just got a laptop here and want to take it home to do some work but I don't have a charger. Me: What happened to the charger? Client: I just never got one, I figured it would be in the bag but it wasn't there. Me: OK, let me see... *I check and see that she got the laptop over 2 months ago* Me: Have you been doing work on this laptop? Client: Well...yeah Me: How have you been using it up until now? Client: Well...it's plugged in. Me: That would be your charger ma'am

Be careful what you ask a librarian for. Prior to a site visit to a client library at a major university I ended the conversation with a casual statement in an attempt to get directions and an address for the meeting, "OK. I'll be on your doorstep about 9 AM Monday. If you can email your coordinates to me, I should be able to find you." The next day I got an email saying simply: Latitude: 35.910561 Longitude: -79.044186 Coordinates: 35.910561, -79.044186 N35degrees54.63366, W079degrees2.65116

Not exactly a stupid client quote...but it gives you an idea of the caliber of people I used to work with. Basically, the benefits center had this stupid 'competition' where if you came up with an cost-saving idea, you'd get a free mug and pen (I loved that, you could save the agency a million quid a year and get a free mug). Anyway, in one of the many, many pointless meetings we had on a daily basis, my supervisor asked for ideas. I said: "We're paying a ton for the pre-printed reply envelopes. Why not order blank ones and get some rubber stamps made? We already use rubber stamps for reply envelopes to other branches, so it's be easy and we already have the ink pads." My manager looks at me and says: "No, because those rubber stamps cost five pounds each...one for each staff member would cost thousands!" "Ummm..." I said. "But we wouldn't need one per staff member, a couple per section would do...but they only need to be replaced every couple years. We'd spend a few grand now, but that's a one time expenditure against against the thousands we spend every month on pre-printed envelopes" He looked at me like I'd grown an extra head, and as if he was speaking to a mentally challenged three year old said: "Nooooo. The stamps cost more than the envelopes." "I know." I replied. "But we only have to buy the stamps ONCE, instead of every single month like the envelopes." "But the stamps cost more than the envelopes." "Yes." I said. "But we only spend that ONCE!" "But the stamps cost more! How are you not getting this?" "Look." I said. "The stamps would cost about three or four thousand tops. We're paying at least two thousand a month for the envelopes. By getting the stamps, we're cutting the envelope costs in half. It's more cost effective, even though it's more money up front." "But the STAMPS cost MORE than the ENVELOPES" He said, exasperated. "Does anyone else have any INTELLIGENT ideas? The sad part is that he thought the rest of the group's look of disbelief was directed at me instead of him.

One of our clients is overly conscious of paying for travel time onsite, so she wants us to remote in to resolve issues as often as possible. However... CLIENT: The RAM arrived today and we need to get it installed ASAP. Can you install this remotely?

Client : Something is wrong with the website.. Moi : what is wrong THIS TIME ? *sigh* Client: It's the colors again... Moi : What is wrong with the colors ? (we changed the color scheme 3 times already..) Client : I don't know .. the links are not clear enough. They are hard to spot among the text.. Moi : ok, I'll brighten them up a bit.. (Changing the colors..) A day after : Client : Something is wrong with the website.. Moi : what is wrong THIS TIME ? *sigh* Client : I can't see the headlines well. can you change the colors ? Moi : Mr. X , It is impossiable, I see perfectly well everything. also your manager told me it is great, something must be wrong with your settings, let's do a check. Client: OK Moi: what is your screen resolution ? your color depth of the screen? what computer do you use ? Client : HUH ?? Moi: ok, press here, right mouse here, now here.. open this tab.. what does it say ? Client : screen resolution Bla Blah .. color depth Bla Blah// Moi : ok, that's seems ok. did you DeGaussed your screen lately? Client : WHAT ?? Moi: press here .... Client: ok , It still looks the same. Moi : ok, I do not know what to say, I will chenage the colors agian... (Changing colors.. again..) Few Hours later: Client: The website colors are all wrong.. It can not go on like that.. change it. Moi : look, Mr. X ..But something is wrong..is it possiable that you are... Client : NO BUT !! I want it done .. Moi : ok.. Day after : Client : come to my office and we will resolve it here.. Moi: ok .. (going to his office - 2 hours drive) Client : See ?!? ... It is all wrong . Moi : Mr x, It looks just fine to me .. Maybe you are.. Client : Stop ! let's ask someone.. (Client Calling the assistent) Client: see the colors ? they are all wrong ! Assistent : Nop, looks great to me. (Client Calling the secretery) Client: see the colors ? they are all wrong ! Secretery : Nop, looks great to me. (Client Calling HIS WIFE that happened to visit the same day) Client: see the colors ? they are all wrong ! Wife : Nop, looks great to me. Beautiful work.. Client: why does everyone say it is great ?? this company just can't do their job, I am going to call your manager !! (Very Angry now..) Wife : Darling , take it slow..Your Heart.. Plus you know you always had a slight problem with colors..(Gently..) Client asking ME : Oh, Yeh... Does the fact that I am COLOR BLIND maybe has something to do with it ???

Not a quote, but a story which needs to be told. I used to work as a computer technician in a college town. One day I was sent out to a customer's home to fix her computer. I get lost on the way (her directions were wrong) and ended up being 5 minutes late. I knocked on her door, and an old woman answered the door with a scowl on her face, and she shouted "You're 5 minutes late! You better not be charging me for those 5 minutes." I apologize, and assure her, those 5 minutes were "free", and she lets me in. The first thing I notice is the fog. There was so much cigarette smoke in the house, that you could hardly see 10 feet in front of you. I start coughing, and she asks me if smoke bothered me, and I said it does, and she looks at me, lights a cigarette and says, "Oh, because I'm smoking." The next 2 hours passed as the most uncomfortable of my life, and after I fixed her issue, and explained how it could be avoided in the future, she looks at me, and says "Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your lord and saviour?". When I told her I didn't feel comfortable discussing that with her, she refused to pay the bill. My bosses made me go back the following day to get the check after they called her, and there were 2 guys from Circuit City delivering a new TV. As I walked past them they told me that if I was going to her apartment, I should run away as fast I could. I looked at them and said "You guys don't know the half of it!"

Another fun pharmacy quote. In the past month, I was hired at a certain national chain pharmacy as lead pharmacy technician. Great pay, great benefits, at least for a college student. Anyway, we have a drive through window, and this creates many problems. People expect to hand over a prescription and a minute later get their pills handed over to them. In reality, this commonly takes 15 minutes because of the redundant checks we have to do on pill type, count, etc. One woman comes up to the window with kids in tow. Me: (big smile, I rock with customer service) Hi, how can I help you? Her: Yeah, I want this refilled She hands me an inhaler with no prescription label on it and the actual name of the product peeled off. Me: Ma'am, do you have the prescription label? Or could you tell me the name of the product? Her: My name is Jennifer, and it's an inhaler for my kid. Wonderful. I can tell this is going to be fun. Me: Could I have the full name of the person this is prescribed to? Her: Ryan XXXXX Me: Ok ma'am, let me look up the prescription in our computer. After searching, I find that the child has 3 different inhalers prescribed. I ask if she knows which of these she needs refilled and she calls the doctor's office which is closed, then tries her husband. This takes her well over 5 minutes and a line and Rx's needing to be filled are building up. Her: Ok, it's XXXX. Me: Thank you ma'am...Ok, you don't have any refills on this left. Her: WHAT? I just took my kid to the doctor, I of course have refills!!! Me: Well, all of the refills allowed by the last prescription have been filled for ma'am. We can't fill it. Her: You're a no-good liar! I could tell from your long hair that you're some kind of druggie! You must have taken it to get high or something! Me: Ma'am, I can assure you that's not the case. I've don't use drugs; I don't even drink. (true, I used to enjoy the occasional joint but I stopped when I got this job, because I get drug tested. I don't enjoy alcohol at all) Her: Whatever, I'm sure that's not the case, but listen you hippie shit. (I can't believe she said that! In front of her kids no less!) I know you're lying to me, the doctor told me it can now be refilled, he even wrote it down for me! Me: Ma'am, did he write a prescription for it? Her: Of course! Like I JUST SAID, he wrote it down. Me: We need that piece of paper to fill it, like we always have required and all other pharmacies have always required. Her: I know that! I've never been treated so poorly by such an arrogant pharmacist. (She's red in the face at this point) Me: Well, can I have that prescription then? Her: Yeah, fine. You could have just said that in the first place! She searches through her purse for several minutes. Her: I guess I don't have it with me. Maybe I left it at home. I'll be back with it later and believe me, I'm going to call your manager. She never did come back, and my manager came in with an odd expression on her face. Manager: This lady called and accused you of insulting her intelligence, being "an asshole," and using drugs. I know you pretty well, James, and I find that hard to believe. What happened? I explained the story which left her laughing, and she promised that if that ever happened again, that she would tell the woman to leave and find another pharmacy.

I work as customer support for a virtual PBX service. We charge $29.95 for the most basic package, which amazingly seems to be a bit too much for some people who run a business. They try to scam us every now and then, hoping we would have loopholes on our records that they can take advantage of. Case in point: Customer: "The service has been inactive and you guys charged me twice already." Me: "Sir, your account has been active and the receptionist is working as we speak. I just called and verified. You have been receiving the service. It's really not our problem whether you use it or not. We still provided it for you." Customer: "Are you listening to me? I can't log in. It tells me that my account is not active." I dig into his account, and behold! His last login date was the same day that he called! "Sir, according to our records, the last time you logged in was today." Customer (puzzled): "Uhh... but I still haven't been able to use it." Next, I take a look at his usage details. Me: "Sir, our usage details indicate that for this month alone, you have over 1000 minutes of call time." Customer: "I don't know how that's possible. I haven't receive any calls on my phone." Onward, I think. I have a look at his call history. It tells us everything we need to know in here which includes who's calling, where the call went, whether he answered, let it roll, send to VM or if the call didn't route due to an error and voila! Truckloads of calls going in and being answered by his phone. Me: "Sir, I looked at your call history and I'm seeing multiple call that went to the phone number that you specified during these two months and according to our records, you accepted almost every single one and talked for a decent amount." I had him cornered and he knew it. He was nervous and breathing heavily, probably hoping that I don't penalize him in any way for lying to me and trying to scam our company (I'm not allowed to do that by the way). Me: "I'm going to call the receptionist right now sir just to verify to you that it does work" So I put him on hold and call it, then choose his extension when prompted. Waddya know! He picks it up and starts talking to me! He then apologizes and hangs up. I put a nice CAUTION note on his account, informing everyone of this fiasco and to investigate thoroughly before issuing any credits.

I work for a large ISP providing customer support for T1 and Frame Relay Internet connections. I receive a call from a customer who says that her connection keeps going out and then coming back every couple of minutes. This person is not cooperative and as I try to perform troubleshooting, it is like pulling teeth from a rhino. We spend about 10 min troubleshooting and I could not see any issue with the T1 circuit I finally asked had anything unusual occurred before the connection started to "bounce". In a casual tone she said "Well, there was the flood incident..." She then went on to explain that a contractor working on the fire sprinkler system had sent about 100 gallons of water cascading into her Telco closet and directly into her T1 router. But as she was quick to point out, "Once we dried the router out it worked fine." I had to spend the next 10 minutes trying to convince her that she needed to replace her router. She could not make the connection that a sensitive electronic device may have not taken too well to its shower.

OMG, this is still occuring right now, it's been 66 minutes and this guy keeps taking 5 minutes at a time to type in commands. Here are some choice examples: Me: type ipconfig, i p Him: T Me: No, P, for Peter (That's not a problem once or twice of coarse) Me: What is the IP Address Him: IT address? Me: I P, P for Peter ...Later still Him: It's 192.165.1.10 Me: Do you mean 192.168? Him: Wait... Yes, 165. Me: 165 or 168? Him: Oh, 168 ... Me: And what is the Subnet Mask? Him: 155.255.255.0 Me: That will not work, can you check that? Him: Yes, it's 155.255... Me: Does it start with 155 or 255? Him: 255 ???? Me: (help!) And finally, what is the Default Gateway? Him: 192.688.1.1 Me: That can't work either, is it 192.168? Him: One, nine, two, dot; six... no, six eight eight, dot one Me: Do you mean 192.168.1.1? Him: Yes, 688. Me: Read it again please, does it say 688 or 168? Him: 168. ???WTFH?????? (We ping the router, miraculously, and now try to ping the internet) Me: Ok, we will do the same ping test again, but this time instead of 192.168.1.1 we will ping 4.2.2.4 Him: png.4... Me: No sorry, it's P I N G Him: png.4.2.2.4 Me: Scrap that, type: PING Him: What's the space bar? Me: put a space, just as we did a moment ago; Him: Ok, PNG 4.2.2.4 Me: P I N G Him: Yes, PING Me: Yes, that's right, what does it say? Him: png is not recognised as an.. Me: That's png, it should be pIng. Him: Yes, ping. Me: You've put png, try it again And that's where I'm up to right now, ever time I ask him to do something he puts the phone down and I'm still waiting to see what he gets from the above ping test! It's now been 77 minutes and running!

In 1989, I worked at a food-processing plant (dog food cannery). The plant had begun installing various computers to try to streamline processes. The quality assurance lab had a computer that was hooked into various scales, viscosity and moisture analyzers. Most of these processes had been recorded on handwritten forms in the past. There were a few old-school managers (most missing a finger or two from canning equipment accidents) who hated computers. The computers also had dot-matrix "tractor-feed" printers that used recycled continuous form paper that had the consistency of newsprint paper. The lab had the usual equipment. Counters, testing equipment and sinks to clean up the tested product. I was sitting there doing something on one of the computers when one of the old managers walked in. His hands were dirty so he went to the sink to wash up. Afterwards he looked around for paper towel to dry his hands. There were none on the counter. Instead of looking under the sink where the towels were stored, he nonchalantly reached over and pushed the form feed button on the printer a few times until there was about 2 feet of paper hanging off the front. He tore it off, dried his hands and left me rolling on the floor in laughter.

I used to work in the repair department of a small computer manufacturing facility that had the most clueless staff ever. One day, a woman who worked in the manufacturing department came up to me to ask me something. Her: Do you keep spare parts here, we're short of something and I was told you might have some to spare. Me: Sure, what are you looking for? Her: Straps. Me: Come again? Her: Computer straps. Me: Computers don't have "straps". Are you talking about shoulder straps for laptop bags? The laptop department can help you with that. Her: No, just regular computer straps. Me: I'm telling you, computers don't have straps. Her: YES THEY DO! I see the guys assembling the machines attaching them every day. Me: No, you're wrong. Computers don't have "straps". Her: Look, I can see some over there in a box! Computer straps! She then points to a box of.... IDE cables.

This happened with my ISP as a client, so it's a little different but still shows some stupidness. I had 28.8 dial up because it was all that was offered in my area, I was 14 at the time. One day all internet access quit working. It happened to other people I know as well. I called up my ISP and got the following: 3rd attempt calling, after about 2 hours: ISP: Hello? Me: Yeah, I can't connect to the internet. ISP: Did you check your settings? Me: Yes I know they are right, are you guys having issues? ISP: Oh well, we just changed everybody's username's to update the system. Me: We're you guys going to tell us about this? ISP: Yeah, we're going to send everybody an email. Me: How am I supposed to get the email, when I can't connect to the internet? ISP: Don't get your panties in a wad. Me: Just give me my new user name. ISP: We sent you an email. Me: Before or after you changed it? ISP: After....oh right. Here it is... Me: (sigh)..... thanks