Top 20 Stupid Client Quotes

It's 2001 and my wife (to-be) and I walk into a local Farm/shooting supplies/IT store that specialise in selling overpriced computers to gullible farmers. They also 'fix' them. My wife is a Pre-school teacher and I am an IT tech support guy, so naturally, I strolled off to look at the guns(!!). My wife wandered over to look up the price on some printer cartridges and overheard one of their IT specialists telling a distraught customer that their computer was fundamentally broken and that they would need to have the motherboard replaced for around £200 including labour and VAT. My wife silently peered at the screen: "NON-SYSTEM DISK OR DISK ERROR". You know what happens next. Whilst the customer and the tech were distracted discussing the price of the repair, she ejected the diskette from the floppy drive and pressed the reset button. My wife simply walked away unnoticed as the computer promptly booted into the Windows 2000 logon screen without any issue. I remember us both stifling chuckles like children as we made our exit from the store watching a delighted customer and a perplexed tech who was now trying to explain that this must have been some kind of glitch. We nearly wet ourselves laughing and have yet to buy a single item from that store nearly a decade later.

I worked in a drug store (pharmacy in NZ) printing 1 hour photos through a mini lab. customer: These photos you just printed for me are blurry. print them again and do it properly this time. me: Um.. that means your originals are probably blurry, we can't fix this sorry, leave the prints if you like and there will be no charge. customer: They were fine when I took them. me: Can I have a look at your camera? I find picture in camera, zoom in and show the customer how blurry her photo is and tell her there is nothing my computer or printer can do to fix this. Customer goes and complains to the shop supervisor. I get told off for not ordering and installing software that can fix blurry photos.

We have one bad manager at work I'll name George. I don't know how he keeps his job without being married to the owner's daughter, but he continues to set lower standards than anybody else in the company. George hired a bright young assistant I'll call Nansi. Now Nansi is cheerful, hard working and generally easy to work with. I suspected that George hired her to help make himself look good, but that is probably giving him too much credit. Nansi does a lot of things 'behind the scenes' to make George look like an effective manager to his boss. George even grudgingly admitted that she was doing a good job, unlike his usual complaints about other employees performance. One day Nansi called in sick and George went ballistic. He called her several times that morning to complain that vital work couldn't be done without her in the office. By lunch he was calling to ask questions about work details AND tell her she really wasn't that sick! Other employees who could hear his phone tirades over the cubicle walls got more angry as the day went on. Later in the afternoon, George called Nansi one last time to tell her she had better be in the office the next morning, implying that she might lose her job if she didn't. Nansi, being the dutiful employee that she was, did drag herself into the office the next morning. She apologized to George for being sick the day before and proceeded to tackle the workload that he left for her. She even prepared a bunch of handouts for a lunch meeting and delivered most of the presentation, which was actually George's responsibility, to a large group of managers at the lunch meeting. The next day about half of those same managers were out of work sick, oddly enough having the same symptoms as Nansi did. The H.R. department got involved due to complaints about George's harassment of a sick employee and he was promptly demoted. Here's hoping Nansi gets promoted at some point and maybe George will get to work for her. ;^)

Major transformer explosion at a large data center takes my servers offline. Phone rings not too long after. Client: I can't check my email! Me: I am terribly sorry but there has been explosion and small fire at the data center where the server your site is on is located. Thankfully, no one was hurt and your data is fine, but it could be a couple days before you are back online. Client: So I can't check my email? Me: As I said, there was an explosion. The entire datacenter is down and thousands of websites are offline. I assure you they are working to get everyone back up as soon as possible. Client:....... The Webmail is not working either! Me: Yes, as I mentioned, there was an explosion which took everything offline. You email is not working, your website is not working. Nothing is working. I assure you that it will be working again as soon as is possible Client: But how will I know if anyone has placed any orders! Me: I assure you no one is placing any orders. Client: But how do you know if the email is not working? Me: Because the server is offline. There is no power. There was an explosion. Nothing is working. This includes the website, email, and any other services as well as all of my other clients who are on any servers at this datacenter. Client: What if I use outlook express? Me: I am sorry but there is just no way around it short of me moving you to another datacenter which may not be worth it because by the time I set you up on a new server and the DNS propagates, the old server will likely be back up. If you want me to do this the cost will be $xxxx Client: But you guarantee 99.9% uptime! Me: I sure do! You have had uninterrupted service for 2 years. It has been one hour. Do you have a calculator nearby?

Although I'm not IT. I answer most of the simple questions around here for basic computer usage. I don't mind at all. Someone stopped by and asked why a software program I'm not familiar with wasn't doing what it was supposed to do. I told them I didn't know that specific program, but I'd be willing to go look at it (thinking it may be a simple solution). When we arrived at the person's office they had a website open to the online help for the program. The person who brought me to their office proceeded to click various options on the screenshot of the software and started yelling at the computer. The person didn't actually own the software, they thought they could run it from a screenshot from the companies website.

BACKSTORY: We sell higher-end furniture and indoor/outdoor decor. A client was looking at an indoor contemporary 2' water fountain. You plug it in and add 2 gallons of water...done. ------- CLIENT: This is nice. ME: It is a beautiful piece of art. CLIENT: Ok, i love it, but i have one question. ME: Ok. CLIENT: What happens if I need more water? ME: (puzzled) ...You add more water. CLIENT: Well, from where? ME: A hose or a faucet. CLIENT: But how do i do that? ME: Just pour the water on top of the fountain. CLIENT: But where do i get it from? ME: Get what? CLIENT: (frustrated) ...The water?! ------- The client, looking confused and mumbling something about me not understanding her qustion, walked out of the store... ...this really happened...

About 20 years ago I worked for a company that coated steel in a coating to rust proof it (Galvanising). I met up with the client who turned out to be an artist, specifically he made clock sculptures, it was huge and wieghed maybe 10 tons. Client: So when can we ship this over to you to get the process done? Me: As soon as your ready, would you like us to make the holes or would you? Client: HOLES!?! NO-ONE is to make holes in MY artpiece! Me: Sir the sculpture needs to go into a giant vat of acid as part of the galvanising process, in it's current state it will just float on the surface. Client: Dont be silly, it weighs about 10 tons, of course it will sink! Me: No im sorry, due the shape it will act just like a boat, I think a few minor holes just here (pointing) and here... *slap* *client slaps my hand away* Client: Do you think i'm un-edcuated because im an artist!? I took physics at university! It will sink, NO HOLES do you understand? Me: *sigh* The Titanic did not sink until it had a hole, and I bet its a lot heavier than 10 tons. Client: *look of utter shock* I'll get the drill....

(This was a Govt. project for a COMPLETELY CLOSED internal system. The job was fine except the person "in charge" was upwards of 50 and not computer savvy, so he kept turning to this 20something wet-eared brat for ideas that were always worthless....) Client: Can your people add a login function so that our men can access the system from off-site? Me: o_O That would rather severely compromise the security of the system.... Client's young lackey: Well yes but can't you just add a password screen? Like a bank? Me: The. System. Has. No. Internet. Client's lackey: Oh. Right. Well could we make it so they could dial in from the Internet (no really that's what he said!) and then login to it from that? Me: (frustrated) Actually yes, I could do something like that, but I'm fairly sure it would go down as a breach of contract, an act of treason, and a danger to national security, requiring that the three of us be hanged. Client: .... (he seemed to understand but before he could say anyting...) Client's lackey: Oh well then maybe just a screen where they can get it from the web if they have the same passwords they use here. Me: *falls over dead*

(all company names and employee names changed to protect the innocent... or well in the customers case... the guilty) This one will take some explaining but is well worth the read if you ask me. I was working as a phone technician for Blorchizon, so for those of you in the know... we get the weirdest of the weird. I had moved up through the ranks and had become a tier 3 agent, handling only the most difficult of issues. One fine day everything was going normal, customers with weird throughput issues, customers in areas with recent flooding and more, when this lovely issue occurred. A tier 2 agent had been working on this call for about 20 minutes and could not isolate the issue. The call had been moved up to them after 10 minutes on the front lines. Needless to say, they contacted me and described that the customer wasn't getting any internet access and nothing they did was changing the issue. So I told the agent to transfer the call to me and this is what transpired: Me: Thank you for holding, my name is Jed with Blorchizon advanced support. How can I help you? customer: Hi Jed, my name is Joe and that last guy was really nice, but we can't fix my issue! Me: I'm aware of that Joe and I'm really sorry. It seems like something out of the ordinary is going on here and it is my job to find it and get you back up and running. Joe: Excellent... see I have a top of the line computer and it is new, so I know it isn't the computer. It has to be your service. Me: We'll see Joe. At this point, I proceeded through basic troubleshooting to see how well he would listen. This guy gave me all the correct answers to anything I asked. For example, I'd direct him to the Control Panel and then into the TCP/IP stack and he'd tell me everything was there exactly as it was supposed to be. So we continued: Me: Joe, I have to admit this is really strange, everything seems to be exactly how it is supposed to be and you should be getting internet access. Joe: Yep! That is what I've been saying. You know this all started... Joe was disconnected right there. At first I thought to myself... Sweet! It works now, no more issue. However it was our policy to try and contact customers back if they were disconnected to make sure everything was ok. So I grab the number from my caller ID and call back. This is what I got: *ring* Lady: Thank you for calling Happy Meadows Mental Hospital, how can I help you. Me: Um..... maybe I dialed the wrong number, but do you have a Joe there? Lady: Well... nobody on staff here is named Joe. We do have a patient named Joe. Are you a relative? Me: Uh... no ma'am I'm with Blorchizon Internet. Joe and I were on the phone, apparently he is having trouble with his internet. Lady: That isn't possible sir! He doesn't have a computer, and we don't have internet access in our rooms. Me: O....K..... Lady: *urgent voice* I better go check on him! I sat on hold for a few minutes, because now I was intrigued. Eventually the lady came back. Lady: I'm very very sorry sir. Joe had gotten a hold of a newspaper and had found advertisements for Smell Computers and for Blorchizon DSL. He has some boxes set up on his desk and thinks it is his computer. Me: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA *yes I really laughed on the phone* After a few minutes of explaining the issue to this woman, stating that Joe had given me all of the answers I needed for everything, she told me that Joe was very smart and had probably learned all the answers to give when asked those questions by calling previously. I checked the note system we had, and sure enough Joe had been calling in since 3:00am that day and had talked to about 30 technicians. I can still imagine it to this day, a guy sitting in a hospital gown in front of a bunch of cardboard boxes on the phone trying to get his internet working... absolutely fantastic. Thought I'd share.

A discussion between a programmer and HR clerk: User: I found a bug in a program you wrote for us. I need you to fix it ASAP. Pgmr: OK, can you show me the bug so I can figure out what is going wrong? User: No, the information on this system is confidential. Pgmr: Can you describe the conditions that seem to cause the error? User: No, that would give too much information about the data. Pgmr: I have a test system setup, can you recreate the conditions with dummy data to reproduce the error? User: No, that would give too much information about the data. It's a very critical and confidential system. Pgmr: I can't fix the problem unless it can be recreated. User: I need the problem fixed ASAP. Pgmr: What module is the error happening in? User: The vacation scheduling system. Pgmr: What's so confidential about that system? The vacation schedule is published on the intranet every week. User: It's HR data, so it's confidential. Pgmr: *******

logo design for a client. client loves it, but wants to make a few colour changes. send proof back. client disappears off the face of the earth for months. we assume theyve changed their mind...that is until they ask us to draft up some business cards for them. they helpfully send us their 'lovely new logo'. which is indeed lovely, but it is not new. it is the one i designed for them, that they did not pay for, and have totally rebranded themselves with.

Client: Okay, here's the design for the catalog pages. The graphics need to fit into this (400x600) rectangle. Me: But all of your graphics are 400 by 400 squares. Client: Yes, we need you to make them be 400 by 600, but we don't want you to crop or stretch them. Me: I can center them in the area, but it isn't possible to turn a square image into a rectangle without cropping or stretching it. Client: Why not?

Oh dear, staff are coming back from their Christmas leave, and for some this means re-learning everything, due to them having the memory of a marmot. Marmot: Can you help? I've come back from leave and all of my emails are red! Me: Uh... in Lotus Notes, all of your unread emails are red. You have been away so you have a lot of unread emails. Marmot: But how do I make them go black? Me: Read them. It's too early in the morning for this shit.

Sorry. I love this site, visit regularly and HATE metacomments. But in this case I couldnt resist. @ #7566 I also worked for a drugstore photo lab and I experienced your exact same situation, almost identically. With one exception. I was getting hell from an assistant-manager (who had been recently promoted from "part time stock-boy" to a position I can only describe as "I am the store owners son and have recently dropped out of college and my father made me an assistant manager so I'd have something to do". ) I doubt he had the intelligence to point and shoot a camera, much less understand that a blurred motion shot can't be magically sharpened back to pinpoint clarity. But a customer complained and he was yelling at me for not doing the impossible. UNTIL..... another customer who overheard this approached 'assistant manager' and explained to him that there was no way I could possibly fix an originally blurry photo. "Assistant-manager ignored him. The customer then handed "assistant-manager" a business card. 'Assistant- manager' read the business card and took off for the back office without a word. That customer then handed me another of his business cards and told me that if I had any more trouble with 'assistant manager' or the owner, to call him. [I'LL BE INTENTIONALLY VAGUE HERE SO AS NOT TO REVEAL WHO THAT CUSTOMER WAS, BUT I WHOLE HEARTEDLY THANK HIM!] That business card read: KODAK "Customers Name" "Very High ranking position in R&D" 'Assistant manager' was fired a week later, despite the fact his father owned that store location. I got a raise ;)

Okay, I am in design hell right now. I am working on a big glossy annual commission plan for one of Australia's biggest phone and internet providers. The reason I was called in was to fix their old commission plan, which was an unreadable monstrosity made my someone without either design or IT skills. It needed fixing, and I was hired to do it. I spent a week or two working on a template, using the previous year's content as a placeholder so my employers could see how it looked. Then work dried up for a month, and I was left doing little odd jobs here and there while the various committees got their arses in gear to review the content. Last week things suddenly turned very ugly. The committees didn't like my design, and demanded "improvements" (i.e. they wanted me to fuck it up entirely). The cruel irony is that 99% of their complaints were that it was different from last year's, so nearly every change has been putting it back the way it was. You know, the bloody awful one from last year that they hated so much and desperately needed re-designed. One exchange with my boss summarises the past two weeks quite neatly... Boss - "I don't like how spaced out this is. It's hard to read." Me - "Urm, that's white space. I put-" Boss - "Last year's is much easier to read." Me - [Looking at last year's, with it's small text, cramped line spacing, unspaced headings, and general visual claustrophobia.] "You think that's easier to read? White space gives the eye some relief, but the original has a huge amount of information to absorb at one glance..." Boss - "Yes, I prefer the old way. Fix it." [Break it, you mean.] "Now, these numbered headings, I don't like them. Why did you do that?" Me - "It's exactly the same layout as the original. I just tidied it up a bit. See, there it is in your original." Boss - "Well, I think we both know the original was no good, which is why we hired you in the first place. Please do something better." My head nearly exploded on the spot - in almost the same breath, she told me to make my new version more like the original, but don't make it like the original, since it's no good. I need to get out of here right now. More shorter stories from this job will follow...

At a pizzeria one day, three college students ordered a pie. As it was cooking, they were deciding how they were going to share 8 slices among 3 people. I suggested "How about I just cut it in 6, and you can all have two slices?" after looking confused at each other, one replies "I'm pretty hungry, I don't think two slices will do it".

I was commissioned to write a script that would handle a clients customer database for printing postcards. That was their original request "Print postcards from customer database". It took about 4 days to normalize their amateurish mess of a database. After getting it to print the text of the postcard, the address and the postal bar code I deliver it. "What is this?" the boss says. "What you asked for." says me. "Where are the labels?" "You don't need labels. It prints to the postcard. Isn't that what you asked for?" "Yes, but that's not what we meant." *seeth* *anger* *spit* *hate* They were too afraid of the system I made for them because it wasn't the way they always did it. They had me re-do the entire postcard system so that it would print onto avery labels so they could spend a week peeling and sticking labels on their 10000 customer christmas cards.

I am a consultant for a small IT firm. Customer calls me frantically about an issue with email. Cust: Email is down can you come out to take a look at whats wrong. Me: I will be there in about 2 hours because I am on-site at another client. Cust: No no we need you right now we are down and losing money. Me: Ok let me find someone to finish up some of this and I will be right over. I get there about 30 min after the phone call. Me: How long has the email been down? Cust: Its been down for about 2 hours. Me: Ok lets seen what the problem is After taking a look at the server they were running the whole exchange environment on a single HDD. But I thought there can be no way that any tech group would allow this to happen. So then i called the main office to talk to a previous tech that had been out about a month ago to fix some other issues. He told me he a signed letter explaining that if they ran there setup on one hdd that we would not be liable for any damages or litigation pertaining to the lost hardware. I talked to the customer explaining that all of the exchange logs, and database were on this damaged drive and that it failed and all of the data would have to be restore from tape. Cust: We dont have any backups. Me: Walk out the door.

Customer: "You are irresponsible bunch of computer makers!" Me: "Why is that, sir?" Customer: "You guys should warn us 30 days before the virus attack!"

[Request from client regarding a website design project] Client: "With regard to the access to the text; it should be set up so that it can be read off the monitor but not down-loaded, but with a link that would allow direct transmission to a viewer's hard drive, if wanted." Designer: ...